Monday, August 13, 2012

Unicorns Not Included

Am I an evil person for hoping that every hipster in the Subaru ads ends up being picked out of the grille of an oncoming semi? Don't get me wrong, Subaru makes decent cars and they have a loyal following, but the people who hog tables at Starbucks for the free wi-fi already buy the cars. Don't even get me started on the sappy soft folk indie tunes they use for background music.

Let's start with the arrogant 40ish hipster in his hot air balloon wandering about while his annoyed wife tries to find a road that'll pick his smug ass up from whatever cow pasture the wind takes him to. Never mind that they've pissed off every farmer in the county while she scares the horses off the pasture.

"Wherever the wind takes me" ....

I hope it takes him over an army artillery range or a mine field

Next there's the hipster who can't find his cool sunglasses and has his cute hipster wife drive him all over the the New Mexico desert to find them.

After a day of searching, he comes running out of a cave being chased by bats when suddenly the shades fall out of his hoodie. Cute wife smiles sarcastically, wonders if doofus can even dress himself in the morning.

Note to cute hipster wife; You're in the middle of nowhere, he's in a cave. By the time anybody finds his body it'll be so decomposed and covered in batshit that the cause of death will be hard to determine.

Then you have the sweet hipster couple who just got married and try to set up a wedding reception for two by pitching a flimsy tent in the middle of a cow pasture. While the breathy male emo metrosexual song plays, he says;

"We could have gone the more traditional route, but it wouldn't have been nearly as memorable" 

Or as cheap. Just as well since the cute hipster couple not only have 5 years of car payments coming, but like most hipsters they probably have student loan debt they'll be paying off till they're in a nursing home, especially if they can't find those self-fulfilling jobs with a dreamy nonprofit or hip web startup during a lingering recession. 

Even their non-hipster ads tempt me to go Elvis on the tv set

Take for instance the helicopter dad giving the keys to his 17 year old daughter. Sure, any parent ages 10 years as soon as their kids get behind the wheel, but this guy strikes me as creepy and anal. I have a hunch that while she's off to the mall in her new Subaru, he's searching her bedroom for evidence of birth control devices and rolling papers, then checking her Facebook page for naked in the bathroom mirror cell phone snapshots.

How about the whiny brat in the back seat who has daddy burning gas at 4 bucks a gallon to chase a rainbow. Oh shit, can you find anything sappier than that? Bet a weeks pay that Little Princess sulked the whole way home because daddy got there too late to get her a new pet unicorn.

Then there's the 20 something suburban guy who says he's nothing like his dad while you see them both with the same tics and habits. Maybe they both wipe boogers under the driver seat too, who knows. Pops gets out of a Legacy while Junior gets out of brand new Impreza at the McMansion of his parents, so it looks they have a mailing address in common too.

Well, one thing you don't have in common with pops. He has a job.

This one is playing all the time now and makes me run for the barf bag;

Leftist mommy takes her little prodigy to work at the hippie dirt farm and is so proud of herself for "sharing" her workload with her offspring. Hello, Child Labor Board? 

The kid looks miserable in the back seat at the end of the commercial, which is understandable because her play time was cancelled because mommy is too cheap to hire some help or hire a babysitter, then slaps sappy sanctimony over it to boot. 

Listen to the background song lyrics; "whenever I see you, I see me". Kind of says it all, doesn't it? I'm so special that if I can't clone myself I'm going to mold my kid to be super special just like me. If she doesn't like it, there's some cowshit that needs to be shoveled into the rows of zucchini plants

Dear ad agency with the Subaru contract,

If you're even thinking of a commercial with a hipster playing catch with his son just like his dad did back in 1985 next to the family Subaru, please be forewarned;



1 comment:

  1. How about the fat guy with the Coexist sticker made of gunmaker logos in the back window of his Baja?